If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
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Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!