ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
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Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
work smarter, not harder
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Last-minute gift idea!
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water