I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
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If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Pass gas, not judgment.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
this independent good boy don’t need no human