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[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.