I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
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Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Me too 😆
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?