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Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”