You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
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my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Good morning.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you