One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
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I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Taliband
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo