This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
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If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
How high do the levels go?
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.