Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
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it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Every haunted house movie:
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.