People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
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ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
I have many caverns
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.