Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
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Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light