Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
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‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter