The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
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It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”