Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
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10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
What a chick magnet..
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.