me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
You Might Also Like
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.