“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
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if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
“Huge”.