I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
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Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
God has abandoned us.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested