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my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?