As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
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If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.