I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah