“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
You Might Also Like
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
😩😩😩
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps