Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
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A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”