Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
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Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Time for evil
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table