if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
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My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider