It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
You Might Also Like
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.