I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
You Might Also Like
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂