{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
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Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
I hope google does well on my son’s test
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
lmfao come on
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Me trying to reach for my goals
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math