My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
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Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.