Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
You Might Also Like
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
New Tinder profile.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.