the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
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Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down