[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
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him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”