Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
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ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
peep davidson
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”