Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
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Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do