A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
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HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
San Francisco has too many rules
A short story about romance.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.