The first one, obviously
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My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
me
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
hi why am I like this
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.