Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
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*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Cake safety first. Always.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space