Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
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Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA