Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
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*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
😅🤣😂
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age