me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
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Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
When I grow up, I want to be 16
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way