Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
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Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
I’ve had worse
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Breaking news:
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat