Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
You Might Also Like
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
this is the most humiliating day of my life
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”