Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
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Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Basically.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat