[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
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im getting some exciting spam emails lately
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Sticker placement is key.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.