Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
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Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.