A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
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when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.