#Caturday
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Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.