I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
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*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
💻🤡
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?