We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
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are they though??
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
More like Kate Missington.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
*pronounces patio like ratio
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.