MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
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Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
I love you…
…r dog.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever